no

i’m shy

and that’s okay

shy does not mean broken

it does not mean

i need to change

you are not better than me because you find it easy to approach a stranger and smile

do you know

what it’s like to be too embarrassed to go use the bathroom

so you hold it

until you’re back safe at home

do you know

what it’s like to feel like every single person’s eyes are on you when you are standing in line for something

watching every stupid fumble

do you know

what it’s like to have your heart pound for fifteen minutes after talking to someone because you can’t believe you actually worked up the courage to do something so audacious

so shocking

do you know

what it’s like to be so terrified of rejection, of that one small word “NO” even if it’s just for help on something tiny that you would rather not ask at all

so you miss out

or you fail

because you didn’t ask

it was too scary

and isn’t it ironic

that the two feelings that hurt me the most are

loneliness

and rejection

but they are also the ones i feel most often

understanding is hard

i get that

and i’m sorry

because i try not to be one of those 2018

millenial

triggered

jerks

who scream foul every time you open your mouth simply because they can

and i’m not even sure i believe in my own issues

but you hurt me

i’ve been doing really well here

i took a deep breath and dove in

i asked questions

for help

for directions

i made friends, eventually

i even worked up the courage to eat in the cafeteria

crazy, isn’t it

i did what i had to do

especially in the first couple of days when it was sink or swim

and i’m proud of that

but there are still days and moments when i feel like i’m drowning

today was one of those

and you did that to me

i don’t know of a single place in the bible where it says it’s a sin to be an introvert but there are quite a few places where it says to shut up so maybe you should focus on those