adhd

adhd got me like

“you should take some time to write

get some thoughts down on paper”

but first i should rinse the baby’s bottle

and now i remember that i’m halfway

through an episode of Brooklynn 99

so i should finish it first

because leaving things halfway done is Bad

and now i’m browsing to see

if there are any fun rom-coms

and trying a cooking show instead of that unfinished episode

because food is relaxing

but all these shows feel so fake

so i’ll watch a movie instead

but it can’t be anything too sad

or i’ll break down crying

by now she’s awake again

so i make a bottle

and play some music in the background

and while i’m at it

might as well make a new playlist

update my instagram

and then she falls alseep so i should

watch that movie i picked out

and i’ll have a few cookies while i watch

but she’s sleeping

which means i could squeeze in an hour of sleep too

maybe

so i pause the movie before it’s even started

and all those texts i never sent

can wait for tomorrow

all the pent up feelings of this moment

will grow stale

from waiting

and by the time i write the poem

it will have lost all the flavor and charm

it was born with

she’s awake

again

i want to sleep

again

but i should check the laundry

and her diaper

i should sweep the floor

organize the pile of clothes draped over

the bed, i haven’t made

with the sheets i haven’t washed

in all 2 months i’ve been here

“remember, kate

you were going to write today?

write about goodbyes

or how you’re trying to find meaning

in small things

like movies with the kids before bed

you were going to write it all down

so you don’t lose it

because every moment is so precious

so fragile in the passing of time”

but what about the text messages

and checking instagram

again, so i pick up the phone

to reply, to respond, to reach out

and i open tiktok

and waste an hour

and munch on chocolate

change her diaper

wash my hands

wish i could wash my hair

but it’s cold and i don’t feel like boiling water

think about lunch

but decide to watch tv instead

too many choices on netflix

i try a live comedy routine

but it isn’t funny

home organiztaion but there’s too much talking

so i switch to spotify

and i want something calming

an idea in the back of my mind

whispering, but i can’t my finger on it

so i play again that same song

those 2 songs

that album

i’ve had on repeat

i should change these sheets

i need to change my socks

the room smells stale

and it’s too dark

i open a window

my chai was cold an hour ago

i’m watching tiktoks again

watching other people have organized lives

on instagram again

deleting stuff i posted because now i regret it

again

she’s hungry

she’s crying

i’m wearing yesterday’s outfit

clean the bottle

wake her up, hope she drinks the whole things this time

i’ve got emails?

it’s a rainy day

so my laundry — hung out to dry — isn’t drying

all the baby clothes are too big on her

am i doing this right?

oh, yes. Read the emails

the inbox is so full

i can’t see the bottom

delete the ones from mom

put the others in folders

write a response

in my head, not for real

because typing is so much effort

right now

i could be listening to music

while i sort emails

multi-tasking

the bedside table is a mess

there’s a textbook i need to return

to the teacher

is she cold?

does she need more blankets?

i need more water

i need to eat a real meal

not just cookies

but i can’t leave her in the room by herself

and she’s sleeping

the emails aren’t done

just halfway done

i need something to be done

shoot off a few texts

“i miss you” and it’s true

but i also can’t imagine

being with you again

how was it only last year

we sat on the same couch

and stayed up late talking

and got takeout

Indian, or the Chinese with that iced tea

how is it so late in the day

and i’ve done nothing

i listened to 2 different albums

but didn’t finish either one

but i sent 2 text messages

so maybe

i’m not losing ground?

(i am losing ground)

i should write it all down

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