“not responding”

i prefer the days when

i don’t feel guilty every

moment

why is there a voice

screaming

that i’m

wasting

my life

no matter how hard

i try

i’ll end up

empty

when it’s all

over

my head is loud

with thoughts

overwrought

and lost

to sense

my laptop

is

frozen

and that’s the first time i’ve smiled today

because i know

exactly how that feels

my teeth hurt

and darkness dances

on my

eyelids

all the naps in the world don’t seem

enough for me

what is this

slow dying

of

boredom

but with a thousand things on my to-do list

slowly, slowly

i bring it back

to life

it responds to

gentleness

i hate that my body

is this way

too

there is a line

in a poem

better

than this one

“be gentle with me, won’t you”

it echoes

in my mind now

but there is laziness

there too

whether the reality or just the accusation

flung at me

by my own brain

not sure

yet

i live in

a quiet house

i spend all day in bed

NOT RESPONDING

that’s what the computer says

now

i’m trying to respond

i swear

but there is faulty wiring somewhere

a bad

connection

a missing

link

just let me

think

a moment

the glitches make me want

to scream

but i hold the anger and impatience and fear

behind my eyes

they sting

worse

when was the last time

i really

cried

my body is strung

too

tight

even though

i feel small

hunched

today

delayed

reactions

and suddenly

the crash of everything at once

will i always be a disappointment

my successes turning to failures when i’m not looking

here i am

little missionary girl

trying to talk smooth

being shot

down

trying to make

peace

between nations

starting a new

war

civilian casualties

everywhere

not the least of which

is my own heart

shot through

more times

than i care to count

bleeding helpless

because i’m no

savior

when does

sitting with someone

in the darkness of their

pain

in the blindness

of lies

turn into

silent

agreement

complicity

am i

an accomplice

to someone

walking

straight towards

death

or am i

the beacon showing

a different way

am i

any better

than the girl i came here

to love?

does she think me

weak and pitiful

i’m broken

in a thousand ways

and none of them worthwhile

is this

what recovery feels like

i expected

yellow flowers

and joy

2 thoughts on ““not responding””

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