hearing from God, pt. 3

I’ve been waiting

to hear God’s voice

in the stillness

my needy soul

scared of the dark

expectation demanding

that His voice come gently

and love precede obedience

I am finding that

revelation feels more like birth pangs

the chrysalis of childhood

changes me, unwillingly

God does not speak

He pulls

closer to the edge

faltering steps, I follow

water, like fear, laps at my toes

rising as I struggle

to breathe

the bottom fades out

uncertainty is an ocean

reaching for healing

I find more broken pieces

longing for assurance

I encounter that old friend, Doubt

who sang me to sleep

so many nights

but maybe fear is the proof

I’ve been searching for

peace always seemed

a surer sign

but perhaps too much certainty

is the same somehow

as a lie

faith is a gene

I was born without

[there is a kind of positive doubt

…what if?

it *is* real]

was God the thing

behind me the whole time

and I’ve been afraid to see

maybe God is in the fear of everything I’ve never done

every good thing I ran away from

and following

isn’t real

if it’s easy

your road looks different, surely

I weep that i cannot walk it with you

my path deeper

looks lonely

stubbornly, I would choose

to stay on land

I love safety more than God

it is now

the twilight of the idols

throwing them down

crushing them to powder

beneath weary bleeding feet

makes way for new gods to rise up

i know

I can never love Him perfectly

good thing

making the first move was never my strong suit

I don’t have even a mustard-seed

words are evasive

dodging behind trees and blending in amongst muddled thoughts

my white stag

[I pin them down, chisel them out of marble, finding precision, this is my worship, my penance]

meaning echoes in my mind

God is doing something strange and wonderful

it hurts

maybe this time

i don’t pull away

from the hammer that pounds relentlessly

until change

unlocks the door to fearlessness

I haven’t been the best

of daughters

I come one step closer

to shout across the gap

“give me strength

for the next”

the decision is mine

[every voice says the same thing]

because if it belonged to anyone else

i’d have someone to blame

guilt is an easy companion

a comfortable bedfellow

I turn to

for reassurance

that i will never be good enough

or worth loving and saving and dying for

the wind is furious

around me

not angry

but determined to move me

it demands surrender

instinct is white-knuckled, clinging

but I am stillness in the middle of chaos

transfigured, briefly

into someone i don’t recognize

somehow separate, maybe lost

maybe blindly choosing to keep moving forward

what if it destroys me

what if…

i find God

I was so convinced I’d find him

in the buttercups

the warmth of the sun

on my eyelids

lulled me into uneasy belief

momentary surrender

[but I want a lifetime, something sturdy not just for when i pull away from the noise]

I stood

up to my knees in cool water

and shimmering rocks beneath the surface

quiet hours alone

thinking that God, too, had withdrawn from the crowd

to find me

in the bitter loneliness of

rejection

now i stand on the brink

of trains and waiting tables and a fire escape

smile wryly

because God doesn’t play by my rules

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