one of those people

what must it be like

to not be me

I mean

I feel like

I am one of those people

those people who

are different

we feel more deeply

more softly

every shade

every layer

pain cuts deeper

highs are higher

which means

lows are lower

scraping the very bottom

of the slicing shale pit

of my agony-screaming mind

i’m not sure

what hurts more

the lows

or the plunging highs

that come screaming across my vision

in white hot flashes of ecstasy

and always

always

always

followed by

the crash

mangled like a car wrapped

around a tree

twisted fragments

sharp and searching

reaching

for my heart

is this the price of genius

because sometimes I think i’m one of those people

those people

and all I know

is what it feels like to live inside my own howling insane

mind so I wonder

do they despise me

my brothers do they hate me

for dominating every conversation

for taking all the attention

the affection for stealing

the show

without ever meaning to

by simply being who I am

with my voice that takes up too much space

and my emotions that are too loud so

they shatter the eardrums of everyone around me

with my easy perfect grades

and my inability to stop

performing

lying

taking the stage

taking the audience

and keeping it

mine

even at their expense maybe

they hated me and maybe they always will

it’s one of those things

you can’t really fix

like the bathroom mirror

I look at through a drugged blur

once it is broken

no amount of glue or best intentions

can repair it

so even though I love them and

I never intended to take away

the love that should have been theirs

or to make their accomplishments look small

because of the gross largeness of my own

it happened

and I wonder

if the way he looks at me

is just a thin layer of friendship

masking the stench of hatred

that is deep and tangled

in a way that only love can be

maybe he isn’t even aware

of how much he despises the girl

who is always noticed while he stands awkward in the dusty shadows

or why

why does he hate her

 

3 thoughts on “one of those people”

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