a boy

trust is like leaning into a tree

during a storm

and I leaned

into a boy who carried me

in when I scraped my knee

into a boy who confided

in me that he had a crush

on my best friend

into a boy who was younger but so so much better

he saw all the light in my shadows

into a boy whose hugs were always too short

and always so warm

and I was left cold

when he walked away

into a boy who was there

and I fell hard into his arms

but he broke me

into a boy with a poet’s mind

who cried if I was crying

what happens

when the tree is uprooted

gouged out of the earth

that was its home

and now the gaping flesh wound

is glaring and ravenously hungry

I stumble and fall

but the ground doesn’t find

me

doesn’t catch

me

it’s gone

because you took it out from under my feet

free falling forever

no stopping

I claw with chipped fingernails at the sides of the dark

tunnel like Alice’s but without the marmalade

shelved on the walls as I pass

and it wasn’t my fault

caprice and white rabbits

were not my reason

do I feel fingertips brushing

up against mine as I pass

by are they trying

to catch me

to break my fall maybe

but can they

when I fall faster

and faster

my eyes strain got find the tingling light

finding none

and maybe i’m not falling

i’m floating

disembodied

in darkness but black stop looking

black when you stare hard and long enough

it just

is

maybe dark becomes light if you long enough

do you want it to

do your eyes become so hungry

for meaning or company that you make truth out of lies

and the fear that is worming

slowly through my intestines is so real

and looming that I almost

mistake it for the darkness that smothers

that crushes

me